Zorro's Birth- A Reflection

12/13/06 I was exhausted and falling asleep in between pushes as I labored for my 16th hour. I was in the hospital for 2 days prior to birth being monitored because I thought my water broke. Turns out I had just peed my pants. Nonetheless they monitored me and decided to induce because of some inconsistencies during the monitoring. For those 2 days I didn't get more then a wink of sleep.

The First moment with my baby

I was handed my beautiful baby boy and I fell asleep. I wanted so badly to enjoy that moment but I could hardly pry my eyes open. No special mommy birth adrenaline kicked in. Just the beginning of mommy exhaustion. But those moments when I held my sweet, sweet baby and looked in his eyes were magical. In a moment, my heart and my life would change forever. I knew it. I could feel it. But first I needed some sleep.

I'd love to say that these three years have been a whirlwind of magic & joy but they have been hard. Hard for each one of us.

The First Year:
Weeks after my baby was born he started having the most horrible colic I think known to man. 12 hours a day of crying with little reprieve. He cried so long and hard that he was hoarse when he cried even more. D got laid off at work but managed to continue doing odd jobs for the company until Law School started.  I lost a very close friend of mine then was diagnosed with a condition that mimics a brain tumor but is a fluid build up in the brain and had a Spinal Tap that knocked me out for a week.  Depression and Anxiety kicked in and I clammed up. Our baby finally over colic continued to grow and crawl and walk and start to talk a little.
We celebrated his first birthday in a whirlwind of madness.

Zorro, exhausted after his first BDay

The Second Year:
More Law School Madness. Depression hit an all time high for me as I became so bad that I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. It was a hard, hard time for us all. My sweet baby just kept gowning and loving us in spite of our (especially my) inability to be fully present for him most of the time.
His second bday, like the first was also mixed in the shuffle but this time we just had a small family party rather than a full bday.

 Second Bday

The Third Year:

Things begin to change this year. I discovered a blog that helped me to channel my energy into my baby. To give him what he needs and focus on him. To rebuild my relationship with him and ultimately connect. It was a simple concept. Learning through playing. Playing was hard for me but playing with a purpose I could do. I quickly scoured the blog and pulled everything together to create this play time that lasted hours each day for my baby. He loved it. He was getting attention, encouragement, being challenged and creative! We were becoming closer. The blog I am talking about it 1+1+1=1.

D is in his last year of law school. It's not easy but were on the down side of school. D & I are reconnecting.

I also decided that it was time to take back my life that I was losing to depression. I began working out, eating better and losing weight. Generally feeling better overall and while I still struggle I am positive and hopeful.

This year was hard for us too but filled with so many positives and rebuilding we can't help but feel good about the accomplishments we have all made.

This year, THIS YEAR, I have slowed down enough to enjoy life more, to enjoy my baby. This year, I am emotional about his birthday. 3 years old. My baby is 3 years old. I can't even think about it without tearing up.

I am looking at the clock right now. It's 1:15 am. 3 years ago I was in the last hour of labor, pushing....and sleeping. My mind keeps going back to those moments that I have hardly thought of since then. Thinking of holding that precious baby in my arms. I long for a second but know that while the clock doesn't move back, I can move forward and start fresh. And move forward I have! Those magical moments after I held my baby for the first time and looked in his eyes are what I see now when he looks and me. When he walked up to me, kissed and said, "I wuv you mommy" out of the blue yesterday confirmed that we are on the right track.

I am so lucky to have my sweet, precious baby with a great personality and a smile that lights up a room.

I just looked at the clock again. 1:30 am, my baby had just been born.

Happy 3rd Birthday Zorro!

 I WUV YOU!

Cake Face